What's My Age Again?

told ya so

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:08:50 GMT

just called me beautiful for the first time in 3 months. i'm going to win and i'm going to defeat this.

winter break

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 03:43:54 GMT

i don't know what's going on still. sometimes it's good days and other times it's bad days. all i know is that i need to be with him and won't stop until i get him or he lets me go completely...

o just dandy

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 03:19:32 GMT

i'm not happy

idk

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:28:27 GMT

pretty self explanatory. i think i'm going crazy if that's any consolation that i have some idea of what's going on. i want to get shit faced again. i think i "want" to be "bad". maybe something positive will come from this...

i know we're both using each other. unfortunately there must be some kind of confrontation soon. i'm starting to believe that all ties should just be cut because nothing has changed. it's not like we're starting over. it's like i'm just there for him to cuddle with. that's literally all we've done. we're a secret. fuck this. i just want to go crazy. i just want to be normal. i just want something drastic to change. maybe to wake up and realize that this whole situation is fucked up, but somehow i can't pull myself away from it.

i love being in boston. i want to transfer so much but since mother won her court case joe doesn't have to pay for any more of my expenses. so i'm all alone in this. suffolk is pretty much ruled out unless i can pull $100,000 out of my ass (unlikely).

but this will all be okay, right? something good will come out of this? i will learn something positive and negative from my situations. i don't want a life lesson though. i want fucking change. i want consistency. i want to go crazy. i am jennifer's revolting life, i am fucked.

i knew this was going to become a problem

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:33:59 GMT

i don't care much for alcohol, honestly. but for some reason people do...and i'm okay with that. but for the past 3 weeks i haven't been feeling very well because of it. i helped kyle on an alcohol run today, one of the last rules that i set for myself against it, which i have broken. i just want to be treated like a girlfriend. i believe i've said it before but i hate feeling used. and now it's for alcohol. i dont know how much longer i'm going to care honestly. i just want one day that we can actually do stuff ourselves, with no one else, something enjoyable. even a walk...

jamie's leaving this weekend aka. i have my room all to myself and he would rather get shitfaced at umass. when someone starts choosing the booze over you, there is a realization to be made. they are dependent on it. to bad wishing gets me nowhere. this is really starting to get me down.

he told me that i was keeping him prisoner. so i waited for him to call me and hang out. but now he just doesn't want to do anything with me, if it is it's with other people. idk what's so bad about being alone with me. unless i really am just so fucked up that no one wants to be around me. maybe im crazy but having a girlfriend who's willing to do just about anything with you is apparently a bad thing? beats me. the only thing that we do together is sleep. o ya, that's so much fun!

i just look so sad. and even when i try to start a conversation it's like he doesn't want anything to do with me. gee, thanks? i'm about to cry. telling someone this is just making it harder to admit that he doesn't love me anymore. he doesn't say it, so i know he doesn't. i'm just a pawn, i'm just being used.

cold

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:42:11 GMT

sorry it's been so long...and i can't even really talk. i want to be at school.

Being Home

Fri, 22 May 2009 21:16:49 GMT

i miss school and kyle, straight up. i would be lying if i didn't say that. working sucks but getting money is great. i need a hair cut...i also need wi-fi at my house so that i can stop creeping at panera.

next weekend kyle is coming, we plan on doing a lot, but who knows what's going to happen?

yesterday i finally got rid of everything ben. fuck you ass-wipe!

i really hope i lose 20lbs this summer.

sorry this is so scattered. this is everything i've been thinking about the past week.

i'm wicked cold...

Wed, 13 May 2009 00:49:15 GMT

in a hockey rink using their wi-fi...kyle ditched our skype date. upset.

convincing enough, right?

Thu, 07 May 2009 03:08:32 GMT

jenn: i only have to do my conclusion and im a natural at video production. it will be okay. i ended up finding bryan and it was kind of awkward...
kyle: why?
jenn): cuz like i said, no one really knew about you. and he just asked me how it happened and i told him it was somewhere between jager thursday and sleeping in his bed. and it just made him quiet. idk. ...he said that i was his favorite person here... i didnt really know how to interpret it. so i just kind of ignored it
kyle: oh so.. he likes you...
Jenn: i guess.....
kyle: oh
jenn): idk, what fav person means... cuz then he disregarded something about committments. so i really have no idea. it was just weird.
kyle: oh im sorry??
jenn): dont worry
kyle: why would i need to worry???
jenn): seems to be a trend this week. o, idk...i just dont like keeping things like that to myself. i feel that you have a right to know
kyle): thank you. well then. there is this girl here at home that said she likes me.. and i told her i only like her as friends and told her about you. right now.. there are four people counting you that like me. that i know about and i only want one of those you
jenn: o, yikes. really, why me?
kyle: because you are amazing! beautiful, smart, funny, fun to be around, and really caring someone who i can be a friend with and also have a relationship have much more than a relationship with. i hope i didn't scare you when i said that. but you are.. simply amazing
jenn): well, if any of those feelings change, please...let me know.
kyle: i doubt they will. i would be an idiot if they did. I would be an idiot if i let anything ruin this. you make me smile so much. even when i don't feel like smiling
jenn: well, if they do
kyle): you have nothing to worry about Jenn: i like you: i like you a lot. im not going anywhere
jenn: im done getting hurt.
jenn: i have committment guaranteed on my forehead
kyle): haha
jenn: i think cheating is shallow
kyle): indubitably
jenn: ppl that want their cake and want to eat it too. well, me. i just like to admire my cake
kyle: i am more than satisfied with my cake
jenn: that makes more sense in my head...

he does this on purpose...

Wed, 06 May 2009 23:54:32 GMT

kyle left 2 sweatshirts in my room. they smell like him and it's intoxicating. i don't know when i'll see him next, but when he comes here i'm taking him to boston. maybe i can get tickets to a sox game, that would be a lot of fun :)

on another still depressing note...i have more work to do...but i don't care.

i had a shot of vodka monday night. drank once with bryan and with kyle and stearns...i guess they're even. i'm going to be around alcohol much more now...but i can handle it. honestly, what can't i handle anymore?

Closing Statement

Mon, 04 May 2009 20:54:37 GMT

i don't want to leave this place. i'm too scared to sleep alone at night. i just have to make it to july 13th, right? :'( i'd say that's too far away...if i hadn't already done it before.but i don't want to wait for much longer. ya, 4 months and i'll be back here. but what if 4 months is too long? i can't cut him off every time he goes out anymore. ...i'm actually scared for him, i...actually care about him.

abc 123

Sat, 02 May 2009 17:52:07 GMT

big bad football player sex? yes, please. too bad i'm a girl until i leave school...

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 02:17:45 GMT

Dear Jenn, (dated 4-25-09)
i hope everything is going well for you. i hope you keep up the hard work and finish strong. i know your family is very proud of you. thank you for being there for me when i need you the most. i don't know how i would have gotten through first semester without you. thank you for all your hard work and time invested in me, as i really appreciate it. you helped me grow and become the person i am today. i hope you gained or at least learned something from me. i hope you do know God loves you. i am sorry i (scribble out) if i caused more problems than i was worth. and i am also sorry for hurting you. i hope at some point you can forgive me for all the trouble i caused you. i hope and pray the best for you. i know you have a bright future and will do many great things.
Sincerely,
Ben Salisbury
ps. you know how to contact me if you would like.

**************************************************************************************************

Tomorrow morning I am mailing this to his house with no response from me at all. I feel like a bad ass. :)

slut

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:04:55 GMT

this must be the burden that i feel for being a slut. i've used kyle as my pillow since friday and have come to realize that i cant even nap without him. i broke down last night and now i have to choose between him and paul. everything is happening so fast. school is over. my roommate is calling me a slut. and well, i am happy. fuck all of you.

hmm, that's interesting...

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 16:40:14 GMT

went for a walk in stanley with kyle...hung out all day with kyle...got carried across campus because i was too tired to walk from kyle...got a back massage from kyle...slept in kyle's bed last night with kyle.

well then, that's interesting.

...So, ya...wow...

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 06:23:48 GMT

video chatted with paul. he teases me a lot and i don't like it. he's glad that i'm smiling more. i laugh so much around him.

simultaneous to this, i told kyle off. it was the most awkward thing i believe that i've done in a while. i stopped it before i felt bad. if i was leading him on in any way, it wasn't the intention. he had like at least 5 shots in 2 minutes and it scared me. i dont need abusive again. i need nice and good for me. it was weird though, i told kyle off and i said the reason was because of paul, that i still liked him too. which is true, but i like bryan now as well. i believe that i said paul because there is no way that he would be able to trace paul, whereas he just has to walk 3 minutes to get to bryan's window (which he knows because i showed him where it is).

good coming from today-i'm down to 2. i believe that paul will be my summer and bryan the real thing maybe...in september. idk. i feel like shit for telling kyle off, but really. this kid could squish me with his finger 6'4" football/bowler/track thrower!!! i barely reach his shoulder to the top of my head. i dont want him drunk around me and i dont want to be alone with him. this presents problems for saturday though. i guess we'll see...

bring the rain and the thunder

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:56:04 GMT

we went for a walk last night in the middle of a thunderstorm. a good hour and a half of just rain, lightning, and talking. it was surreal. i mentioned how i always wanted to feel this free and do something as carefree as this. he's a completely different person depending on who he's with. it's not weird. i just wish my friends could see that he's not THAT weird.

im having jagerbombs in his room tomorrow. i plan on having fun. like i said. i need to be my age in order to have fun. i cant wait. i still like his hugs a lot.

unfortunately i have a fuck load of work to do and all i can actually do is listen to "Lux Aeterna" and see myself writing this epic paper which is clearly just shit. just about 2 weeks left and i just want all this work to do itself.

im sorry that i keep updating and it's rather irrelevant information. it's just, first crush since... i feel like a badass. :)

really tired...

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 23:51:50 GMT

right now i a) want to fall asleep on this table b) wake up to him doing still doing his work next to me. he's cute when he's all "shit, i have soo much work to do!" c) smile at him and hug him.

today was nice. friday we're taking an adventure to the park. i'm looking forward to it bc my friends never give me a reason to stop liking him. unless they come up with a good one im still going to the park with him.

<3

<3

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 03:41:32 GMT

i just realized:

im going to prom with paul, who i make out with.
i like bryan, he makes me happy and i want to be with him.
i opened up to kyle...and now he won't leave me alone...

I LOVE BEING SINGLE!

i got over you less than 24 hous after you shattered my world...

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 20:17:11 GMT

of course i dont want to talk to you anymore, you're so selfish. i dont love you, i never did. i just loved the idea of a boyfriend. i know you didnt love me either, otherwise you wouldn't've made me do those things. i hate you so much. im dreading when i go home though, and have to see him at least one more time.

i can't believe that im finally enjoying school. i've been living in the wrong dorm for parties too. thursday night there was drinking, fighting, weed, cops, ISO's, and coke. why have i been missing out on all of this? i want the excitement, i want the adventure. i want the world in my hands.

time/distance/incontrollable variables

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 02:59:36 GMT

finally...with 3 weeks left of school, i have a crush. hmph. i want monday.i like how he picks me up and spins me in his arms in the hallways...and the dining hall...and dunkin's. i like him. and he's a "y" not an "i". i enjoy that a lot. :)

note to self:

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 03:33:44 GMT

<3 at the end of my away message really refers to no one in particular except just being happy. ha, that's amusing.

:)

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 02:38:10 GMT

i enjoy life. and cuddling. i forgot how much fun i have kissing someone. too bad that porn star is kind of out of the question for career paths. and too bad that porn stars don't usually where prom dresses. i can't wait to wear mine. i can't wait to be happy there. i whitened my teeth...he noticed.

i realized something today, that i am actually wicked beautiful. i want to model again. i believe that it would be a lot of fun. secretly i strike poses in my mirror when i'm alone. it's gratifying to do this/

i started talking to ben a year ago today...well that's just unfortunate. i'm thinking about him less. just kind of dreading when i go home and have to give him the rest of his shit back. it's funny how boys have been noticing my recently. i believe that my old nickname "flirt" is resurfacing. i'm "single and ready to mingle" and i mingle with just about 3 guys in courtney. i wouldn't call it being a slut...a slut is an 11 year old girl who has sex for a cheeseburger. i'm being an 18 year old college girl who flirts well, just because i fucking can. i forgot how much fun it can be.

in conclusion i've decided that i need to get some kind of "action" from at least one guy once a week. wow, that sounds like an awful goal, but to be honest, i dont really care. it doesnt matter who/what i do...as long as it's fun, right?

joke me something awful, just like kisses on the necks of best friends...

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 04:16:11 GMT

i shouldn't plan my life off of what's going to happen in the future. legit, you could even just take your own life away and everything that you planned for wouldn't matter at all. so im just going to do what makes me happy now.
i hadnt talked to ben since his stupid ass friends prank called me. i just got a text saying that his uncle died. long story short it "wasn't foul play." but honestly, if i was still your gf i would care a lot more. yes, it's sad that he's dead. but, i'm not going to do much more than tell you that i'm sorry for your loss. you dont need my help. you dont want me. get the fuck out of my life. i'd just spent the previous hour before telling my counselor that i wasnt going to talk to him unless he talked to me first. ya, that worked real well. i offered my help, i offered to go to the wake, i would have layed down my life...but not anymore. the wake was monday night, i couldnt make it. i offered to see him sunday, he couldnt. "that's it, im done trying. he doesnt want my help i dont want him!" i feel so bad for paul. i really do. im not using him, he knows this. we dont do much besides enjoy each others company. but i talk about ben a lot. i know this makes him uncomfortable. we were laying on his couch downstairs and i heard footsteps moving upstairs, i automatically, like it was programmed in my brain, shot up out of his arms and to the opposite side of the couch...i did this twice. he consoled me and said it was okay, i know it's not. i know that my past relationship was wrong on so many aspects. i never laughed with ben. i never had the chance to show exactly how happy i could be, granted he never tried to make me happy.
paul wrote me the corniest song to ask me to prom...ben barely even sent me letters. we just, get along. even just going to a movie and back to his house is more than i ever did with ben in one night. i just want to be reminded that i am still a teenager. i like that feeling, of being young. i want to have it more. i want to be around him more. he wants me happy. baby, i wish i could tell you what makes me happy. i dont want friends with benefits. i want friends, only friends. i want to just lay in your arms, my head on your chest, your head resting on mine, with my eyes closed. i like being calm with you. i need someone who's calm, who can take care of me. someone that when i cry about ben, knows that i wont go back to him, that just holding me until i stop crying will make it better. kissing your check when you don't expect it is my favorite surprise for you. and through all of my break downs and episodes...you still notice that i burp and hiccup at the same time and how much i do. well here's a secret, i only do it around you. just like how i "get tired" in movie theaters just so that i can lean on your shoulder and feed you mini-eggs. :) i love being a kid again. i love the butterflies.
only 4 weeks until prom. im not going to take my mothers advice and "eat more to fit into your prom dress." im thoroughly satisfied that by bosoms are no longer big enough to hold it up..the corssett barely does the trick now. i just want to feel like somebody, and i know that you can do it for me. i know that you are good for me. i know we have to be friends, but honestly...i never stopped getting butterflies from you.

has it really been 3 weeks?

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 20:53:45 GMT

im so much better off. idk what i want. i realized that being single enables "friends with benefits" but im not that kind of person. i want to be cared for. i dont want to be a 50's housewife anymore taking care of the piece of shit breadwinner husband. times HAVE changed and i need to accept that. "it's not right to think that way." yes, he's very true about that.

i see me counselor tomorrow. only recently telling a story about her to my friend and what she told me to tell ben have i realized just how amazing she really is. i mean..i've been seeing her for a year, she knows me almost better than a lot of my fiends. something that should bother me, but really doesnt. "its easier to tell a stranger your problems because when they judge you it could either mean the whole world, or nothing" and i love that. everything i do now isnt going to be based on responsibility or meaning. thats all bullshit and clearly meaning got me nowhere. i want to do things just because i can. because i enjoy doing it, because "it seemed like something good to do at the time" i literally mean that. ya, i kissed guys a week after ben and i broke up and i really dont feel bad about it at all.

everyone says im happier. which is true. i dont have to worry about pointless things now. just myself. which, i believe is not pointless. i got into an honors program and i have a constant group of friends that i hang out with. all im really missing is someone to care for me. there are some days when i truly do believe that im beautiful, i like to think about it. but beauty doesnt give you happiness.

i talked to john on the phone for hours a few days ago. it was nice. something i hadnt done in a while. its nice to know that we actually are best friends. still are. idk what i'd do without him. all of these people that have helped me so much who i've known since middle school. they are my friends. true there are a few more not from middle school. i just dont believe that i will find anyone in college that i was as close to in high school.

side note- i have been going to the gym/eating healthier. -3lbs. i know it's not much...but at least my finger nails are growing back properly.