i'm not happy

pretty self explanatory. i think i'm going crazy if that's any consolation that i have some idea of what's going on. i want to get shit faced again. i think i "want" to be "bad". maybe something positive will come from this...

i know we're both using each other. unfortunately there must be some kind of confrontation soon. i'm starting to believe that all ties should just be cut because nothing has changed. it's not like we're starting over. it's like i'm just there for him to cuddle with. that's literally all we've done. we're a secret. fuck this. i just want to go crazy. i just want to be normal. i just want something drastic to change. maybe to wake up and realize that this whole situation is fucked up, but somehow i can't pull myself away from it.

i love being in boston. i want to transfer so much but since mother won her court case joe doesn't have to pay for any more of my expenses. so i'm all alone in this. suffolk is pretty much ruled out unless i can pull $100,000 out of my ass (unlikely).

but this will all be okay, right? something good will come out of this? i will learn something positive and negative from my situations. i don't want a life lesson though. i want fucking change. i want consistency. i want to go crazy. i am jennifer's revolting life, i am fucked.

i don't care much for alcohol, honestly. but for some reason people do...and i'm okay with that. but for the past 3 weeks i haven't been feeling very well because of it. i helped kyle on an alcohol run today, one of the last rules that i set for myself against it, which i have broken. i just want to be treated like a girlfriend. i believe i've said it before but i hate feeling used. and now it's for alcohol. i dont know how much longer i'm going to care honestly. i just want one day that we can actually do stuff ourselves, with no one else, something enjoyable. even a walk...

jamie's leaving this weekend aka. i have my room all to myself and he would rather get shitfaced at umass. when someone starts choosing the booze over you, there is a realization to be made. they are dependent on it. to bad wishing gets me nowhere. this is really starting to get me down.

he told me that i was keeping him prisoner. so i waited for him to call me and hang out. but now he just doesn't want to do anything with me, if it is it's with other people. idk what's so bad about being alone with me. unless i really am just so fucked up that no one wants to be around me. maybe im crazy but having a girlfriend who's willing to do just about anything with you is apparently a bad thing? beats me. the only thing that we do together is sleep. o ya, that's so much fun!

i just look so sad. and even when i try to start a conversation it's like he doesn't want anything to do with me. gee, thanks? i'm about to cry. telling someone this is just making it harder to admit that he doesn't love me anymore. he doesn't say it, so i know he doesn't. i'm just a pawn, i'm just being used.

sorry it's been so long...and i can't even really talk. i want to be at school.

i miss school and kyle, straight up. i would be lying if i didn't say that. working sucks but getting money is great. i need a hair cut...i also need wi-fi at my house so that i can stop creeping at panera.

next weekend kyle is coming, we plan on doing a lot, but who knows what's going to happen?

yesterday i finally got rid of everything ben. fuck you ass-wipe!

i really hope i lose 20lbs this summer.

sorry this is so scattered. this is everything i've been thinking about the past week.

in a hockey rink using their wi-fi...kyle ditched our skype date. upset.

jenn: i only have to do my conclusion and im a natural at video production. it will be okay. i ended up finding bryan and it was kind of awkward...
kyle: why?
jenn): cuz like i said, no one really knew about you. and he just asked me how it happened and i told him it was somewhere between jager thursday and sleeping in his bed. and it just made him quiet. idk. ...he said that i was his favorite person here... i didnt really know how to interpret it. so i just kind of ignored it
kyle: oh so.. he likes you...
Jenn: i guess.....
kyle: oh
jenn): idk, what fav person means... cuz then he disregarded something about committments. so i really have no idea. it was just weird.
kyle: oh im sorry??
jenn): dont worry
kyle: why would i need to worry???
jenn): seems to be a trend this week. o, idk...i just dont like keeping things like that to myself. i feel that you have a right to know
kyle): thank you. well then. there is this girl here at home that said she likes me.. and i told her i only like her as friends and told her about you. right now.. there are four people counting you that like me. that i know about and i only want one of those you
jenn: o, yikes. really, why me?
kyle: because you are amazing! beautiful, smart, funny, fun to be around, and really caring someone who i can be a friend with and also have a relationship have much more than a relationship with. i hope i didn't scare you when i said that. but you are.. simply amazing
jenn): well, if any of those feelings change, please...let me know.
kyle: i doubt they will. i would be an idiot if they did. I would be an idiot if i let anything ruin this. you make me smile so much. even when i don't feel like smiling
jenn: well, if they do
kyle): you have nothing to worry about Jenn: i like you: i like you a lot. im not going anywhere
jenn: im done getting hurt.
jenn: i have committment guaranteed on my forehead
kyle): haha
jenn: i think cheating is shallow
kyle): indubitably
jenn: ppl that want their cake and want to eat it too. well, me. i just like to admire my cake
kyle: i am more than satisfied with my cake
jenn: that makes more sense in my head...

kyle left 2 sweatshirts in my room. they smell like him and it's intoxicating. i don't know when i'll see him next, but when he comes here i'm taking him to boston. maybe i can get tickets to a sox game, that would be a lot of fun :)

on another still depressing note...i have more work to do...but i don't care.

i had a shot of vodka monday night. drank once with bryan and with kyle and stearns...i guess they're even. i'm going to be around alcohol much more now...but i can handle it. honestly, what can't i handle anymore?

i don't want to leave this place. i'm too scared to sleep alone at night. i just have to make it to july 13th, right? :'( i'd say that's too far away...if i hadn't already done it before.but i don't want to wait for much longer. ya, 4 months and i'll be back here. but what if 4 months is too long? i can't cut him off every time he goes out anymore. ...i'm actually scared for him, i...actually care about him.

big bad football player sex? yes, please. too bad i'm a girl until i leave school...

Dear Jenn, (dated 4-25-09)
i hope everything is going well for you. i hope you keep up the hard work and finish strong. i know your family is very proud of you. thank you for being there for me when i need you the most. i don't know how i would have gotten through first semester without you. thank you for all your hard work and time invested in me, as i really appreciate it. you helped me grow and become the person i am today. i hope you gained or at least learned something from me. i hope you do know God loves you. i am sorry i (scribble out) if i caused more problems than i was worth. and i am also sorry for hurting you. i hope at some point you can forgive me for all the trouble i caused you. i hope and pray the best for you. i know you have a bright future and will do many great things.
Sincerely,
Ben Salisbury
ps. you know how to contact me if you would like.

**************************************************************************************************

Tomorrow morning I am mailing this to his house with no response from me at all. I feel like a bad ass. :)

this must be the burden that i feel for being a slut. i've used kyle as my pillow since friday and have come to realize that i cant even nap without him. i broke down last night and now i have to choose between him and paul. everything is happening so fast. school is over. my roommate is calling me a slut. and well, i am happy. fuck all of you.

went for a walk in stanley with kyle...hung out all day with kyle...got carried across campus because i was too tired to walk from kyle...got a back massage from kyle...slept in kyle's bed last night with kyle.

well then, that's interesting.

video chatted with paul. he teases me a lot and i don't like it. he's glad that i'm smiling more. i laugh so much around him.

simultaneous to this, i told kyle off. it was the most awkward thing i believe that i've done in a while. i stopped it before i felt bad. if i was leading him on in any way, it wasn't the intention. he had like at least 5 shots in 2 minutes and it scared me. i dont need abusive again. i need nice and good for me. it was weird though, i told kyle off and i said the reason was because of paul, that i still liked him too. which is true, but i like bryan now as well. i believe that i said paul because there is no way that he would be able to trace paul, whereas he just has to walk 3 minutes to get to bryan's window (which he knows because i showed him where it is).

good coming from today-i'm down to 2. i believe that paul will be my summer and bryan the real thing maybe...in september. idk. i feel like shit for telling kyle off, but really. this kid could squish me with his finger 6'4" football/bowler/track thrower!!! i barely reach his shoulder to the top of my head. i dont want him drunk around me and i dont want to be alone with him. this presents problems for saturday though. i guess we'll see...

we went for a walk last night in the middle of a thunderstorm. a good hour and a half of just rain, lightning, and talking. it was surreal. i mentioned how i always wanted to feel this free and do something as carefree as this. he's a completely different person depending on who he's with. it's not weird. i just wish my friends could see that he's not THAT weird.

im having jagerbombs in his room tomorrow. i plan on having fun. like i said. i need to be my age in order to have fun. i cant wait. i still like his hugs a lot.

unfortunately i have a fuck load of work to do and all i can actually do is listen to "Lux Aeterna" and see myself writing this epic paper which is clearly just shit. just about 2 weeks left and i just want all this work to do itself.

im sorry that i keep updating and it's rather irrelevant information. it's just, first crush since... i feel like a badass. :)

right now i a) want to fall asleep on this table b) wake up to him doing still doing his work next to me. he's cute when he's all "shit, i have soo much work to do!" c) smile at him and hug him.

today was nice. friday we're taking an adventure to the park. i'm looking forward to it bc my friends never give me a reason to stop liking him. unless they come up with a good one im still going to the park with him.

<3

i just realized:

im going to prom with paul, who i make out with.
i like bryan, he makes me happy and i want to be with him.
i opened up to kyle...and now he won't leave me alone...

I LOVE BEING SINGLE!

of course i dont want to talk to you anymore, you're so selfish. i dont love you, i never did. i just loved the idea of a boyfriend. i know you didnt love me either, otherwise you wouldn't've made me do those things. i hate you so much. im dreading when i go home though, and have to see him at least one more time.

i can't believe that im finally enjoying school. i've been living in the wrong dorm for parties too. thursday night there was drinking, fighting, weed, cops, ISO's, and coke. why have i been missing out on all of this? i want the excitement, i want the adventure. i want the world in my hands.

finally...with 3 weeks left of school, i have a crush. hmph. i want monday.i like how he picks me up and spins me in his arms in the hallways...and the dining hall...and dunkin's. i like him. and he's a "y" not an "i". i enjoy that a lot. :)

<3 at the end of my away message really refers to no one in particular except just being happy. ha, that's amusing.